Queer Labyrinth

labyrinth photoI move through the labyrinth on my knees, like a supplicant on a pilgrimage to a holy place. I pluck every dandelion, every blade of grass. Seedling trees and other wayward plants nearly obscure the stones that mark a path to the center. I must remove them, too.

Every spring the same exercise awaits me. I make my way, revealing the path, inch by inch and foot by foot. Where the moss threatens to envelope a rock, I pull up the rock and turn it over—showing another side, darkly moist but clean of moss. It sharpens the edges of the path.

In the labyrinth, clearing and clarifying the path take time and patience. All vegetation except the moss must go. Even the rocks may need to shift slightly.  Some need to be turned over or repositioned after winter’s frost and settling. Each stone helps mark the path.   I make the labyrinth my metaphor as my queer life turns, inward and then outward, perpendicular to and then parallel to a center. But as I follow the path, I trust it will lead inexorably toward a center. Continue reading

A Comfortable Company

Men on a sofaMy Gay Old Soulmate and I settle in to the company of older gay men, joined by younger companions. Why do I relax so readily in the sofa, unguarded? We are, in fact, just getting familiar with thse men. But though we come, in some respects, from divergent backgrounds, in others, we share a history.

The unfolding conversation confirms it. One man knows of the Rock River, up to its nude, gay, swimming holes. Another mentions a bath house, and we all remember the unfearful sex of the seventies. Then, a word or two turns us to more sober times, when the angel of death lived even more closely among us than it does today (or so we imagine). The musings and the stories–always the stories–continue.

This is more than aging veterans tiresomely repeating old battle tales.  Continue reading

Wearing Cowboy Boots to Church

cowboy bootsI wore cowboy boots to church today.  Why?  I would not have been caught dead in them when I was growing up in Kansas.  I never even owned a pair of boots until country dancing swept the bars sometime in the 90s.  Then, as a gay man, I would not be caught dead dancing without the proper footwear for the occasion.  And I discovered that I liked the way they made me feel–masculine and sexy.  How queer that being queer would turn me on to what epitomized its opposite in my youth.

But why wear those boots to church?  Continue reading

Lazarus

LazarusI have become an old man—despite it all.  My sisters have long since passed.  And sometimes the miracle seems like a curse.  How long must the “magic” last?  Will I ever enter the valley of the shadow again?  As long ago as it is, I remember those days.  Younger folk have learned, to their regret, that if they give me any excuse, I’ll retell the stories in excruciating detail.  Like that last Sunday before everything fell apart—or seemed to.

He didn’t say he was running from the law when he showed up.  But we knew. Even if I hadn’t owed him my life, we would have taken him in.  We had loved each other long before that. Continue reading

Queer Brother to a Prodigal Son

(compare Luke 15:11-32)

Lone tree with personGrowing up,
I was the good one:
choir, Torah study, youth group, prayers;
more confident in righteousness
than Paul in the flesh.

At home, too.
Chores:
did I ever complain?
Hated farming and dutifully trudged
to the south forty.

He skipped off to the creek;
thought Dad couldn’t smell
bottles buried under
camouflaging newspaper
in the trash.

Mostly, he was a real man;
Continue reading

At Sixty

Age 60“Then afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh;
your sons and daughters shall prophesy,
your elders shall dream dreams,
and your young people shall see visions.”Joel 2:28

Now I am ready to dream.  To rise out of visions.  To move beyond prophesy.  To live a colorful new reality.

When I was young, inching toward a door I did not recognize as the inside of a closet, I had visions.  Visions of a young preacher going home to Kansas.  Urban ministry was the cutting edge, or overseas development.  I would minister to the rural forgotten.  It turned out another way.. Continue reading

Sometimes

Hands in prayerSometimes, when we pray in church
sitting
with hands neatly folded
in our laps,
I want to kneel.

Sometimes, I want to raise my hands
and sing off-the-wall praise songs
—maybe even with a band.

But mine is a generous faith
that knows God embraces Muslims
and Jews and Buddhists
(without converting)
and finds it perfectly reasonable for
atheists to join a community of believers
Continue reading

Relentless Relenting of the Divine

“… the vineyard owner said to the gardener, ‘See here! For three years I have come looking for fruit on this fig tree, and still I find none. Cut it down! Why should it be wasting the soil?’ The gardener replied, ‘Sir, let it alone for one more year, until I dig around it and put manure on it.'” —Luke 13:6-7

oldtreeThe appointed passage for this week (Luke 13:1-9).  Impending doom. I want to believe that I can organize life to shield me and those I love from disaster. Loving living. Wise investments. Exercise. Diet. Plenty of rest. I assume that the people of Galilee thought the same—with whatever the first century equivalent of organizing life was. Then Pilate fell on them, with the same deadly consequences as the tower of Siloam’s fall. I find it hard to come to grips with life’s absurd unpredictability. Managing outcomes is not entirely illusory– but it is largely so. Jesus suggests that some benefit may come from repenting. But would repentance have prevented Pilate from slaughtering worshipers or kept a tower from collapsing?

Like the vineyard owner, I would seize the notion of control. Cut down the unproductive tree and turn the soil to wiser use. Is not three seasons enough?

At 60, I have had more than three seasons. Some more fruitful than others.  Continue reading

Old Hens in the Fox’s Jaw

“He said to them, ‘Go and tell that fox for me, “Listen, I am casting out demons and performing cures today and tomorrow, and on the third day I finish my work.”‘” — from Luke 13:31-37

spiky stone cairnOh, the impetuous abandon of youth. Early thirties is hardly enough living to have gained the fullest measure of rational realism. One sermon in the home town (that didn’t go all that well) and he takes the show on the road. I can’t deny the magnetic quality of his unstoppable zeal. How can a petty king get in the way of this compelling business of casting out demons and performing cures.

But what can a thirty year old know? I know that, given life expectancies at the time, Jesus was well into the latter part of life for a man of Galilee or Judea. But is that not the problem? Think of a society of people so young. Run by people so young!  Continue reading

Temptation

“Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness” – Luke 4:1

Walk in the desertWhen I was feverishly in love with God, full of vision, I ,too, sought the desert. I fasted, observed the hours, and even toyed (in my head) with taking vows.  I probably would have if Mennonites had Benedictine communities.  But our conceit was that all disciples are fervently faithful–we are, after all, a priesthood of all believers.

Infatuated, even the silliest visitations of Presence stimulated a rise in spirit.  Every word in a verse fed my lust for the One I ached to ravish me.  I might be hungry, but who had time to turn stones to bread, while He filled me with mysterious manna?  The wealth and power of nations paled in the brilliance of my Lover’s gaze.  Continue reading