I pass the sign on the way to the upper swimming hole at the Rock River near Newfane, Vermont. The sign doesn’t say it, but optional should be in quotation marks.   From this point on I will feel more exposed with clothes on than with them off.

So I strip as soon as my feet touch the gay beach. That only shifts my sense of exposure. Is it really possible to feel more naked in the midst of a crowd of naked men? In my youth we would have called this skinny dipping. Dipping, of course, hardly describes even the secondary purpose for our activity. Although I hold no expectation of a side trip into the woods with a handsome stranger, a palpable energy pervades this place no less than the fresh smell and sound of the water rushing over the rocks on its way to the West River. I feel the little arousals in me prompted by the bodies surrounding me. I compare my own skinny, aging, untanned body to theirs. Does every other gay man hold a gym membership and spend all his days lying naked in the sun? Few, if any, tan lines show. My dermatologist would be appalled even as I am enthralled.

I attempt to scamper across the rocks and sand to the water—more a pathetic stumble. I step into the cold river water and ease my butt onto the slick surface of a silt-covered rock. Then I move gently further into the river, trying to get used to the cold water. I do okay with the water up to my waste, but the chilly little waves splashing above that line make me hesitate. I hesitate a long, long time. I wonder what the others here think of me—although none are checking me out as far as I can see.  Is it my body or my silly hesitation to submit myself to the water?

A full twenty minutes later, I take the plunge. The swift current carries me into deeper waters. I struggle a bit to swim back into territory that I can negotiate more easily. But it was a good move.

It has been twenty years since I last visited this spot. My return is long overdue.  More men surround me now than did back then. I am older than most.  Probably less beautiful too.  Time and experience make their mark.  Still, I feel good in this skin. The currents of energy that swirl around me, unsettled me at first. But I find my equilibrium. I always thought of myself as comfortable in my self and my sexuality.

Only in the past couple of years, have I finally ventured into “clothing optional territory.”  I still care what people think, but it doesn’t prevent me from stripping off some of what hides me.  I know that I will hesitate, up to life’s waist, periodically.  But the moments of hesitation will be shorter.  At my age they must be.

So  I live freer and happier than I have in over a decade.  No doubt negotiating the currents that I encounter will require some effort from time to time as well.  But the venture into deeper water feels right.   I am glad to have taken the plunge.