I’ve been in this relationship nearly 30 years now. But I still check out the good looking men I see on my train ride and walk to the office each day. I fantasize about a little encounter. Would my Gay Old Soulmate object?  Maybe he’d be thrilled to see me actually try something interesting and a little risky for a change.

I’m at the age where I could use a novel adventure. But being “at the age” is just the problem. I am 59 and shortly will be 60.  For years I have been owning my age each birthday, rejecting the silly game of refusing to tell my age.  I’ve treated each increasing year like coming out of the closet–as a chance to banish shame.

Only the “shame” of age seems more firmly stuck in culture than the shame of being gay ever was.  And as 60 barrels down upon me, I find that I want some sort of affirmation that 60 is still vital and not as decrepit as I fear it sounds.  But now I find myself wondering, am I too old to be lusted after by that theoretical stranger? I’m certainly not too old to lust.

Age does not diminish desire nor moderate the desire to be desired.  I’m not looking for a new love.  I have one and he has me.  I know my Gay Old Soulmate loves me and I love him.  But there is something to being looked at by a stranger with interest in his eyes.  I haven’t noticed that on the street or my train platform for some time.  And part of me desperately wants it.