Psalm 63:6

figure cross leggedUrges impel me.
Eager, apprehensive,
how shall I reach
the object of my desire?
Can you be real?

I hesitate.
I might mess up,
be mistaken, be wrong
or—most devastating
—feel foolish.

Longing leads me.
Compelling energy
surges and carries me
inexorably forward
along a path.

Unable to perceive
my destination.
I project, at best,
a blurred image
—a half-imagined fantasy.

It becomes my obsession.
I tune that vision,
refining expectations
even before I breathe
its fear and promises.

Finally I release all
to emergent reality.
Soul and body,
thrust into wonder,
grasp each other desperately.

I could not know
where to follow my desire.
I dared not predict
a destination
nor even the journey.

Only by going there
could I obtain
the curse and the blessing.
Sex and the sacred,
so dearly the same.

Latent Superhero

When queer was odd
and gay was happy
and no vocabulary contained the word
homosexual . . .

smiling boy with face in hands

Before my parents read to me
of Susie’s babies
and I learned that grown up men and women
did the same repulsive things
that hamsters did . . .

In a time when every boy
married a girl,
but that felt okay because
marriage really was just living together . . .

and I was too young to know
that my fascination with shirtless men
and bare-chested farmers
was anything more than fascination . . .

I had already discovered
the secret of human flight
and could make myself invisible.

I disarmed the world
by invisibly transporting
Russia’s and America’s atom bombs
to my factories of destruction,
because Mennonite—pacifist—boys
must do that first.

Only then did I secretly save
high-school basketball players
(in those revealing uniforms)
and the handsome neighbor
(who mowed the grass t-shirt off)
from evil captors.
And they were not the only ones.

You would be surprised how many villains
conspired to lock away hard-muscled men
in secret basement dungeons
under the buildings of Goessel, Kansas
—a town of just three hundred or so people.

After I rescued them—,
naked, cold, and lonely
—and nursed the wounds on their strong chests,
and on the exquisite skin of their arms and legs
and fine-looking faces,
they would come to live with me
in my not-so-Mennonite mansion
with many bedrooms
just outside of town.

There we lived together
in chaste contentment
in a time before I knew that
something more super was possible.

Desire to be Desired

old body figureI’ve been in this relationship nearly 30 years now. But I still check out the good looking men I see on my train ride and walk to the office each day. I fantasize about a little encounter. Would my Gay Old Soulmate object?  Maybe he’d be thrilled to see me actually try something interesting and a little risky for a change.

I’m at the age where I could use a novel adventure. But being “at the age” is just the problem. Continue reading