Can I be a gay man without desire? Without a lust for other men?

Today I will be given Lupron, a form of Androgen Deprivation Therapy (ADT) or “hormone treatment.”  It will block my body’s production of the testosterone that fuels the prostate cancer lurking within me–and destroy my libido.

How will I be gay then?

The shirtless runners along Kelly Drive will not quicken my pulse. The banter and coy negotiations on web sites and hook-up apps will no longer excite anticipation. I will feel no joy in romping with my naked gay brothers on the shores of Vermont’s Rock River. I will kiss my husband and cuddle naked in his arms, feeling only affection and no arousal. I will think of sex and experience no pressure in my groin, no tingle in my nipples. Or will I even think of sex? What is sexuality without sex or at least its urges? How will I be gay without desire?

Lupron will launch me into a strange world. Other men who have traveled there before me say, “it’s better than the alternative” (i.e. dying from cancer). But part of me will die, a wondrous part, a part I treasure.

Still, I have 64 years of experience living queerly. That must count for something. That history penetrates my spirit in ways too potent to be undone. Loving men, body and soul surely must remain part of my nature. So, although reluctant initially, I will explore the new world I enter today. Even if the Lupron blocks my body’s old ways of experiencing it, I have faith that my soul will lust. It must crave the company of gay men. My gay old soul must desire.

Written June 22, 2017